My girlfriends period is on my birthday. Why does she always have to be so anal about everything?

HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy ME: [also whispering] owning a home

In 2012 Kanye made millions from “Niggas in Paris” 2016 he lost it to them.

Seriously, soup? If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.

*Weather changes* BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack. *Anything else changes* MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.

How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? Third as many as for a regular bulb.

I guess I just felt safer when Martha Stewart was still in prison.

“Hello?” Dad come get me from practice “Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling* But I called the *connection drops* …landline

Mario & Luigi Mario :- Ey Luigi , whats this funny ol’ image called. Luigi:- It a Meme , Mario

Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people