Yo mama so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.

I don’t “fuck” my wife. I “make fuck” to her.

What’s easier to pick up the heavier it is? A girl.

Every time I drink German beer I wake up with a really bad Hannover.

Happy Valentine’s Day! So what’s everyone doing with their cats tonight??

finally found a way to refer to myself + dog in a way that’s creepier than the mother/child dichotomy: FUR HUSBAND and SKIN WIFE

I love hitting F5… It’s so refreshing

As I was checking into the hotel I asked, ‘Is the porn channel disabled?’ The girl at the desk said, ‘No, you sick bastard’.

What don’t BMWs have that all other manufacturers do? Turn signals

One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.