Did you know, If you get everyone in the UK to lie head to toe in a line across the English channel… …They would probably drown

I thought I could take my dog with me to the gym today, but it didn’t work out.

[at Waldo’s trial] Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant? Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.

if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument

I once put a bunch of grapes in a woman’s vagina…. She didn’t say much, she just let out a little wine.

Why do birds live in nests? Because they can’t afford houses in this economy.

I saw a sign that said “watch for children” and I thought.. .. “That sounds like a fair trade”

My dog keeps whimpering at her empty food bowl. So I put her in another room. I’m not sure what that bowl did to her, but it’s obvious it upset her.

When you find a body beneath your floorboards is it face up or face down that’s good luck?