My mom asked where the remote was and my son told her it was up her ass. She high-fived him and then turned around and slapped me.

I love volcano jokes… They magma lava my ash off.

What did the man say when the calculator agreed to help him load the car? I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON YOU

Why dont orphans like baseball? Because they don’t know were home is! XD

What is the difference between an elephant and a flea? An elephant can have fleas but a flea can’t have elephants !

advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden

It’s easier to find the needle in the haystack when you bring a flamethrower. That’s a fact, jack. Merica.

[ER] Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC? Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants* Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.

What a beautiful day! The sun’s shining, the birds are singing, the neighbor’s dog is taking a huge crap on my lawn…

Why does the Law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service!