My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it? Short.

If you were in a race with vegetables You would need to get a head of lettuce

Strip search? … OK, but I’m going to need some background music.

What did the egg say to the boiling water? It’s gonna take me a while to get hard. I just got laid by a chick.

What did the psychiatrist say to the man who walked into her office wearing only cling wrap? I can clearly see you(‘)r(e) nuts.

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5 the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

What do you tell a pornstar right before their video to pump them up? Get your head in the game.

Me: Pack your bags.I won the lottery! G/F: Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff? Me: Doesn’t matter, just get out.