What goes dot-dot-croak dot-dash-croak ? Morse toad !

What happens when you pet a cat in the opposite direction? You rub them the wrong way

9/11 gave rise to “Truthers”, Obama gave rise to “Birthers”, so… … would a movement to determine whether Hillary Clinton actually carries hot sauce in her purse be called “Saucers”?

After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up. Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.

Why do Jewish men have to be Circumcised? Because Jewish women won’t touch anything unless its 20% off.

What rock group have four men that don’t sing? Mount Rushmore.

What will happen if you put anal lube where oil should be in your car? I don’t really know, but I think it will run pretty shitty

If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.

a quick zinger If your uncle jack helped you off a horse, would you help your uncle jack off a horse?

Why don’t cannibals eat divorced women? They’re too bitter.