Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen that said ‘Parking Fine’.

It did feel good. I used the craziest toilet this morning. It was one of those toilets that shoots water up your butt I forget the name. Bidet, it felt amazing.

If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.

What is the difference between peanut butter and a blonde? The blonde is easier to spread!

Me: How are you? Co-worker: *Gives 20 minute dissertation on their gastro infection*

I once ate a watch It was time consuming, I didn’t go back for seconds.

What did Jack Frost say to Frosty the Snowman? Have an ice day!

My father always said to me “son it’s always best to fight fire with fire”… and that is probably why he was kicked out of the fire service

The girl at the RyanAir check-in desk said, “Window or aisle?” I replied, “Window or you’ll what?”

My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.