A German man and woman are having sex, and an American walks in… The American shouts “Gross!” and turns away. The German man looks toward him and smiles, saying “Danke!”

me: “so is this a date?” hitchhiker: “um”

friend gave me an inhaler my friend was dying on the floor and he gave me an inhaler, guess he wanted to give something for me to remember him. weird.

Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.” You know. Like a book.

Love is not a game. If you think it is, then you’re not playing it right.

Why did the chicken jump into the bag of popcorn? The kernel was looking for him.

My dad was walking around the house screaming yesterday…. He kept shouting, “A, E, I, O, U”. “What’s wrong?”, I asked him. To which he responded, “Nothing, I just have irritable vowel syndrome…”

“My girlfriend is 41 years old” – “My girlfriend is 41 years old.” – “Dude, wth?! She can be your mom!!!” – “Yes, but she’s yours” – ._.

How do you greet a slice of bread in Germany? Gluten tag! Ba-dum tss.

Please pray for the private school kid whose dad drops him off in a 3-year-old car.