How do you stop your children from smoking? Slow down and use some lubricant.

I was told to do what I love I went to sleep.

Mozart, Beethoven, and Schwarzenegger are getting ready to throw a Halloween party. Mozart turns to Arnie and asks, “what’s your costume going to be?” “I’ll be Bach”

Guerrilla Glue It only works when you don’t look at it.

Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.

What do you get when you cross an orthodontist and a secret agent? It’s confi-dental

Funny school joke Teacher: whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window. Teacher: who just threw that?! Boy: Me! I’m going home now.

They say they’re free weights, but the gym gets pissed if you put them in your car and leave.

I’ll tell you what I know about midgets and dwarves. Very little

I want to write a sexually charged novel with an FBI twist. *Fifty Raids A Day*