Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

A baby seal walks into a bar. The bartender says, “What will you have?” The seals says, “Anything but a Canadian Club.”

How do you know if somebody’s Christian? Don’t worry, They’ll fucking tell you.

My parents once made me smoke a whole pack of cigarettes in one sitting. To teach me about brand loyalty.

Fine Bros can’t sue metal beams, Because they don’t react to jet fuel.

Salesman: Roll up roll up! Come to our mammoth sale. Mammoth bargains to be had in our mammoth sale. Customer: Forget it! No one round here’s got room in their houses for a mammoth.

I finished my culinary class final. It was a piece of cake.

Just saw Elle Fanning. I was blown away.

How to make employees fool!!! Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a year ( Wow! said 1 employee). They are called SATURDAYs AND SUNDAYs.

What is the lactose intolerant man’s least favorite chore? Laun-dairy.