How to tell if she’s odd… …she can’t even.

I was going to get a cheap circumcision but I realized it was a rip off.

Why do Jewish men get circumsized? Because Jewish women won’t touch anything that isn’t at least 30% off.

Eventually Adobe is going to release a software application that does nothing but update itself.

I’m so done with Apple products! Their phones can’t do jack…

What do you call an overweight homosexual? Jigglypuff.

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed. “Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain. “Yes,” replied the murderer. “Will you hold my hand?”

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway? “No” excellent.

Famous last words (silence)

They say the best things come in small packages So I fucked a midget