A giraffe walks into a bar. He slides up to the bar tender and says “High balls are on me”.

What body movements alert you that a politician is lying? His lips are moving.

You know what would be a good name for a cocaine delivery service company? Instagram

My dad wants to open a funeral home.. Doss Family Mortuary : “We’ll take care of your stiffies for you”

Riding with Uber earlier.. The driver said, “I love my job, I am my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do…” Then I said, “Turn Left.

THE TASTE OF A NEW GENERATION What do Brittany Spears and PEPSI have in common? They both have plastic juggs.

Fish and chips joke I draw the line at having fish and chips for breakfast I mean, there’s a time and a plaice

He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.Dog obituary

I was eating at a nice dinner last night and realized that we spend a lot of money on something that is just going to turn to shit. But enough about my romantic relationships.

A crow once made plans to hang out with me, but he never showed up… … because he got arrested for attempted murder.