I love getting kisses from my dogs but, I’m starting to worry about the one who keeps trying to give me the slow tongue.

I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.

Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.

What’s the speed limit of sex? 68 Because at 69, you flip over and eat it.

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Trick question. Feminists can’t change shit.

Which kid? Wife: Honey, i think you don’t love our kids equally. It seems you have one that gets less love from you. Husband: Really? Which kid do you mean? Karl, Tina or the fat one

“I shit you not” – Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

How do you throw an egg at the wall without breaking it? With the chicken still around it

Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours. Him: Why’d you shave it off? Me: I just told you…

What did the halal lettuce say to the halal cucumber ? Lets make salat