Damn girl, are you today’s date? Because you’re 10/10 I know we’ve been doing anti-joke pick up lines but this only comes once a year.

I lost 50 pounds in two days Im never playing poker again

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

Why don’t they make bouncy houses for adults? You’d spill your drink.

There’s a little “I’m jealous” in every “whatever.”

I just got carded at Forever 21. This is bullshit!

Money cant buy happiness . . . but somehow, its more comfortable to cry in a BMW than on a bicycle.

Things Michael J. Fox would be good at Grating Parmesan cheese.

What do you call a poster of a sexy pepper? A jalapinup

Did you hear that AIDS isn’t spread by a virus? Yeah! It’s spread by a fungi!!