Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh. Two words: No pants.

I walk around with a hockey bag filled with dildos & chihuahua’s just in case Paris Hilton fires her assistant and is looking for a new one.

I was gonna go as myself for Halloween this year… But after Trump’s comment, I think I’m gonna get grabbed a lot

What do you do when a horse breaks down? Call triple neighhh!

Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.

What do you say when you are comforting a grammar nazi? There, Their, They’re

I’m really regretting getting that discount circumcision… …it was a total rip-off!

What do we want? Race-car noises! When do we want them? Neeeeeeoooooowwwwwwwwwwwwww!

If i was the Grinch, I wouldn’t steal Christmas. I’d steal you.

I hate three things (1) Posting on /r/Jokes (2) Lists (3) Irony