According to HR, white people aren’t issued a race card, and they’d appreciate if I went back to my desk. *shrugs*

Latest news from the FIFA corruption scandal: Shock announcement from FIFA’s Ethics Committee: “FIFA has an Ethics Committee”

What does Gordon Ramsay say when he gets a rash? IT’S FUCKING RAW!

cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood” me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way] cop: “ok that’s better”

There are 10 types of people in this world Those who can read binary and those who can’t.

Judge: “Reason for divorce?” Me: “Reconcilable differences.” Judge: “Don’t you mean irreconcilable?” Me: “Ugh. You sound just like her.”

I became an atheist when I found out there was a religion that prohibited bacon.

What does a dog become after it 6 years old? Seven years old.

What did T say to reassure V? “Don’t worry. I’m right behind U.”

I’ve recently obtained a book on the guidelines of masturbation So far, I’ve stuck to it.