How do you start an insect race ? One two flea – go

Why couldn’t the radish finish the race? He was just a little beet.

For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.

John: There are places… Paul: I remember George: All my life, though… Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

George invited all his friends for a no-masturbation get-together They came within the hour.

Will net neutrality be defeated? Is the Gangnam Style finally over? Is Tupac really alive? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z

I have my girlfriend a teeth whitening today. Too bad most landed on her chin

My black friend asked me… My black friend asked me if there was a colored printer in the library I said wtf man it’s 2015 you can use whatever printer you want

Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake. I know this now.