I’ve become quite independent since my wife left… I just put my second load of washing through the microwave.

ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being GUY: Not every fiber? ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy

How do the Chinese select their baby names? They chuck a tin can down the stairs Ping Wong ching Pang

“War Horse” and “The Help” are the SAME movie! I watched them on my laptop and they BOTH have a 90 minute scene where I just check Facebook.

Here’s another great Ellen Pao Joke [deleted]

Why do clowns hate assassins? Because they go for the juggler.

When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.

The Wizard of Oz, synopsis. Transported to a surreal landscape, a young girl kills the first person she meets and then teams up with three strangers to kill again.

I should rename myself Summer. All girls want is Summer to come.

Liam Gallagher was never good in science. When asked to name 3 chemical elements, he said “Gold and silver and sunshine.”