What do you call a pig… …with an unusually high IQ? Einswine

[sees crush] Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator

My doctor gave me a prescription for anti-depression meds but my Bartender is having a hard time reading his writing…

Whats pink and smells awful? Your mums cunt lol

Why are Cal Tech and MIT constantly Fighting? Because MIT blames Cal Tech for stealing their Feynman, and there will never be another man as Fine.

People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date: 1) out in the open 2) where I last left it

How many gay men does it take to change a lightbulb? “Ummm … forget about the changing the lightbulb, honey, maybe let’s start with changing those curtains”

What do you call a terrorist from Paris? A Paririst

“Donatello choose ur weapon” “I’ll take a stick” “Really not a sword? Nunchu..” “A STICK” “Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?” “…” “Ugh”

I can’t figure out if I’m drinking Malibu rum or licking sun tan lotion off skin.