Two atoms walked out of a bar. One turned to the other one and said, “we’ve got to go back in there, I left an electron” The other one asked, “Are you sure?” He replied, “Yes, I’m positive”

*me at fast food counter* “hey mister, did this meat bark or meow?” “It asked stupid questions.”

What do you call the child of two parents with downs syndrome? A hand-me-down.

Why are fruit rapists seldom found alone? They come in pears

What do a call a fish with no eyes A blind fish

“Why is there a jar of pickles in the bathroom?” “I like pickles.” “Do you eat them when you’re on the toilet?” “Ewww! EAT them?! Gross!”

I have no beef with vegetarians.

How did the bird get his bluetooth to work? He had to parrot.

No one realizes when someone says, “The last thing I wanna do is hurt you,” that basically implies: there is a list, hurting you is on it.

two fish in a tank. one says to the other… **how do you drive this thing?**