What do wizards call unmagical African Americans? Niggles

Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do. *sets phone on fire*

I need to get something off my chest… It’s called breast cancer. I’m so sorry.

How come Django’s wife never hears Django coming? The D is silent.

Johnson, Clinton, and Trump are lost at sea. Who wins the election? America.

Me: There is a small tree on fire. 911: Could you describe it? Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.

I use someone calling me during a phone call as an opportunity to hang up on both of them.

What do lesbians in Alaska sing? What would you do ew ew in a Klondike bar.

No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.

The Native Americans used to trust the white man, now they have their reservations.