(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp

I bought my wife some gloves and a sex toy for her birthday if she doesn’t like the gloves she can go f*ck herself

I’m sitting in a booster seat in the back of a minivan because I want to teach my kids right and my 8yo called shotgun fair & square.

The past, the present, and the future… The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar together. It was tense.

Why are muslim people so kind-hearted? Because they don’t live long, especially when they’re a bomb

Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund? So he could get a long little doggy!

Do scooby got a booty? Scooby doo.

I’ve lost all ability to feel… I’m numb…. I’m starting to slip away… I look forward to the empty, meaningless void Now pull the damn tooth, Doctor

Racist comments… Just like grandma used to make

new book out: “How I Fell Off a Cliff” by Eileen Dover