Those “Speed Enforced by Aircraft” signs don’t understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.

I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work… Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.

What’s the difference between an all girls soccer team and a tribe of pygmies? One is a bunch of cunning runts.

Damn, girl! Are you Iocane Powder? Because I’ve spent the last few years of my life building up an immunity to Iocane Powder. So, yeah…

Monica Lewinsky turns 39!! They grow up so fast…seems like yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees puting everything in her mouth!!!

Yesterday, my Muslim friend ask me if I want to breakfast together It was stupid to wait at his door on 9am.

Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password? Me: oh shi– [Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

What did the blonde say when she looked down at her bowl of Cheerios? Look, donut seeds!

What do you call it when fish stop having babies? Minnow-pause

What’s the difference between George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin? Zimmerman can dodge a bullet.