Just had to ask myself, “What would a competent person do in this situation?”

Seems like ladies hate being asked how their Thanksgiving was, no matter how playfully I pat their stomachs.

Stephen Hawking believes he’s solved a huge mystery about black holes …and he’ll keep believing as long as we all play along, ok? He’s adorable.

I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming

You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever” !

Why do we call it politics? Because poly means many and ticks mean blood-sucking parasites.

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.

Knock Knock! *Who’s there?* Dwayne. *Dwayne who?* DWAYNE DA BAFFTUB!! I’M DWOWNIN’!!

What is the quickest way to get Trump out of The White House?? Put Monica Lewinsky in there. She’s not the hero we deserve, but she’d be da real MVP we need right now.

[nsfw] This is the worst joke I have heard…. What’s the difference between an apple and a dead baby? You don’t cum on an apple before you eat it…