How Can You Tell It’s Fall In Florida? When the color of the license plates start to change.

“We’re going to need a bigger pocket.” – iPhone 6 Plus

As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.

What’s it called when the queen farts? Helium Neon Argon Krypton Xenon Radon

What is worse than finding a worm in your apple? Being raped by a giant praying mantis.

Q: What do you call that great feeling of satisfaction you get when you finish your homework? A: The aftermath.

I like my weekdays like Marx likes his societies. Classless.

Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary? It runs in your genes!

I can’t believe how much I cried after that recent episode of the Game of Thrones! “*There will be no walk of atonement.”* Sigh.

good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed “we don’t have a dog” *smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*