“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.” – my voicemail message

Horse trots up and says to mirror: “why the long face?” Mirror says “It’s okay, I’m just a bit reflective today.” I’ll be here all week folks.

Next time, instead of complaining about how bad you have it, think about other people, and how to make things bad for them.

How do you know you are at a picnic with gay men? All the hot dogs taste like shit

Guys who say they like girls who don’t wear makeup really mean they like girls that look really hot without the help of makeup.

What’s the worst thing your wife can say during sex Honey I’m home

I like my coffee like I like my women. Strong and Bitter

What do terrorists eat when its sunny? Choc-ISIS

Why shouldn’t white people swim? Crackers get soggy when wet.

I can tell a train has been through here recently… You know how I can tell? Cause there is its tracks.