What do you call a person who makes surrealist sandwiches? Salvador Deli.

What do you call a cross between a donkey and an onion? A piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye

I asked my yoga teacher what my purpose in life is she said ” To inspire and then expire”

A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life

My doctor gave me six months to live. I told him I couldn’t pay my bill. He gave me another six months.

Last night I wrote myself a letter. But I forgot to sign it and now I don’t know who it’s from.

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

A local census says that on average, 1 in every 4 guys is gay I hope it’s Dave- i think he’s kinda cute

Two things I will never understand the appeal of: 1) Open relationships 2) Hairless cats

What do you call a handjob from a rocket scientist? A stroke of genius.