You know, I just love whiteboards… They’re remarkable.

What do you call a typo on a tombstone A grave mistake.

Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money? Like they do now… Holy shit.

CW: My wedding is going to be expensive! Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!

Fox has cancelled American Idol. From Now on, if I want to listen to bad music, I’ll have to listen to Pitbull just like everyone else.

I have a theory that consuming little bits of peanut butter encased in colored candy shells provokes silly rhymes. I call it my Reeces Pieces Thesis. . . . . I’ll see myself out.

Boy: Calls 911 Boy: calls 911 Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Boy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what’s your emergency? Boy: The ugly one is winning.

So if multiple cactus is cacti… NSFW Would a cat (animal) be cat-i?

What do they pass around after dinner at Buckingham Palace? Under Eights.

I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.