*describes my ideal woman to police sketch artist* “And I need you guys to find her by 9 tonight cuz this buffet coupon is about to expire.”

What is the suicide emergency hotline number in Brazil? 127 Edit: [for clarification](http://www.fifa.com/worldcup/matches/round=255955/match=300186474/)

Why are bananas so popular? Because they have appeal

A guy walks into a bar and asks “Do you serve lawyers?” The bartender responds “Yes, of course!” The man then says “Well then. I’ll have a beer for myself and a lawyer for my alligator.”

Men. Can’t live with ’em…can’t finish this joke unless I wanna be single the rest of my life.

I imagine one day my dearest friends will say at my funeral, “Wow. What an idiot. Who chokes to death on orange sherbet?”

They say choose a major you love and you’ll never work a day in your life… because that field probably isn’t hiring.

Oh good, I’ve made this mistake before so I know what to expect.

Why doesn’t a chicken wear pants? Because it’s pecker is on its head.

It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.