My parents kidnapped me. I was then born.

Shout out to the sense of wonder in the eyes of children. Also to pistachios. I’ll eat a shit ton of pistachios. Mmmm pistachios.

Just reported a car as being stolen because the people inside are black and the stick figures on the rear window are white.

Why does Elton John play the piano? Because he sucks on an organ.

CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity? ME: no thank you SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice

No matter what people think of you, walk around with your head held high. Multiple chins are not cute.

An old man was having a check up…. The doctor asked how hid erections were doing. “They come and go.”

Two guys walked into a bar.. You would think one of them would of ducked!

What do Indian flowers grow? Patels (this may or may not have been inspired by a dumb facebook post I saw)

I like my coffee like I like my women! I’m sure whatever you’ve got is fine. I’m pretty happy with anything.