Why did the plane crash? Because the pilot was a loaf of bread. (my wife tells this joke to everyone and no one but me has ever laughed)

Pick a number, now add 7, divide by 4, write it down. Now get an apple, name it, show it a picture of your cat. Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I’m tired of making other people feel good about themselves!

New E Sport So there is a doctor in NYC that came down with ebola…he went bowling the night before admittance, created new sport…eboling

Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills” Me: Yeah boyee Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.

Every night someone breaks into my house & dresses me for the next day. I guess I’d be more upset if it wasn’t saving me time in the morning

So I got kicked out of the library the other day… For moving all the women’s rights books to the fiction section.

You know you’re old when you watch a horror movie where annoying, partying college kids get murdered and you identify with the killer.

How are eating a girl out and working for the CIA similar? One slip of the tongue and you’re in deep shit. (Thanks to u/Gary_III for pointing out the mistake last time

this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this