GREETINGS MORTAL, YOU MAY ASK ME ONE QUE- “what’s the deal with airline food?” GODDAMNIT JERRY HOW DO YOU KEEP FINDING THIS CRYSTAL

Kevin Bacon likes to play Six Degrees of Everybody Else.

Alright, so, two Jews walk into a shower I bet you can finish this one

Why do black people have nightmares? Because the last guy who had a dream got shot

When I met my wife I knew she was a keeper She was wearing massive gloves.

What is 20 inches long and makes women scream at night? A stillborn

*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor* “See, nobody suspected a thing”

My friend asked me today what the name of the show is where they go fishing and catch all the crabs..I said “Jersey Shore”…Was I wrong?

If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”

A large hole appeared outside the local police station. They’re looking into it.