Which came first the chicken or the egg? The chicken of course, an egg cannot cum! Made this up in my sleep sorry if offends any egg lovers..

I’ve just found my iPhone autocorrects “cunt” to “Cynthia.” Which means somewhere in Steve Jobs’ past is a woman with one HELL of a story.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall? Depends how hard you throw them

Why is DJ Khaled’s favorite number 11? Cuz it has another 1

I bet a lot of people have tried that “See you next year!” joke at the end of December but got proven wrong by dying in a DUI.

I ejaculated six feet earlier. Strange, usually I ejaculate semen.

I’m recovering from necrophilia and beastiality… I would tell you about it, but I’d be beating off a dead horse.

Q: What’s brown and in a baby’s diaper? A: Michael Jackson’s hand !!

Thank you student loans for getting me through college I don’t think I can ever repay you.

I saw 300 lbs crammed into a pair of small yoga pants so now I understand how the Tardis on Dr. Who is real.