My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.

What happens to a laffy taffy joke in the rain? It makes me laugh a little bit, in the rain.

What is a cannibal’s favorite fruit? Granny Smith

A woman is like a parachute can refuse at any time, that’s why you need to have a spare one.

A duck walks into a bar… Quack!

Why do hamburgers feel sad at barbecues? They get to meet their old flames!

I think I’m going to give away my old Dyson vacuum cleaner. It’s just collecting dust.

Why can a T-Rex not touch his toes? Because he’s extinct

Getting a girlfriend is a lot like getting a car The more money you have, the more options you have.

Shout out to slugs for doing everything a snail does without a helmet