People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.

News: Don’t panic about Ebola, but please watch this nonstop coverage about how it could spread everywhere and kill you. Don’t panic though.

My life flashed before my eyes… …Turns out I’m epileptic and died from the seizure.

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hare-line.

Where did the King keep his armies? In his sleevies.

CNN admits to dating Fox News.

Yoda: Why, afraid of seven, five is? Because six seven eight.

A man walks into a library and says “I hope you don’t have a book on reverse psychology.”

Like most movies. I show big things in my trailer.

Little Shop of Horrors should have taken place in Russia. Because in Soviet Russia plant eats you!