It’s not that Jake couldn’t juggle It’s that he didn’t have the balls to do it

What has four wheels and flies A Garbage truck

Just buckled a bottle of Tito’s Vodka into the backseat of my car, so I obviously know what it’s like to be a mom.

Three men walk into a bar. The fourth one ducks. Three ducks walk into a bar. The fourth one humans.

What did the woman do that found gold in her vagina? She mined her own business.

Never trust an atom They make up everything

Sorry we don’t serve time travelers here Two time travelers walk into a bar

When I die I want my tombstone to read, “Did stuff”.

Why is Empire Strikes Back the best Star Wars movie? It’s a perfect 5/7.

“You’re what you eat” So when will your mum become me?