I know it’s not safe but our taxi driver keeps falling asleep at every light and it’s getting hilarious

Charlie Sheen walks into a bar… And orders a drink or two. Or three. Or four. And then gets into a barfight.

When the doctor prescribed the millennium a medical dog he was surprised the patient asked “how do i smoke it”

If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”

Jesus said that he’d get rid of evil people, whereas Norse gods said they’d get rid of frost giants. nnI don’t see many frost giants around.

My girlfriend told me that she had slept with 144 people before me. Now that’s just gross.

Paddy wanted to buy a Labrador.. Mick said “Fuck that, have you seen how many of their owners go blind!”

Stevie Wonder got a cheesegrater for Christmas. He said it was the most violent book he’s ever read.

Our 2-year-old is entertaining everyone at the restaurant by screeching like a seagull every fifteen seconds.

What’s a redneck’s favorite type of bread? Inbred