What do you call a blind german guy? A not see.

AIN’T NO PARTY LIKE A WINDOWS 7 PARTY ‘CAUSE A WINDOWS 7 PARTY DON’T STFILE $win_nt$.~btNTKRNLMP.EXE cannot be open error 7

I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember: InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00

My wife gave me the silent treatment for a week… It ended when I told her “We’ve been getting along really well lately”.

What exactly is the difference between a New York City Park bathroom and a Law & Order crime scene?

Love is blind, only marriage opens your eyes.

That’s pretty cool that Mary Shelley wrote Heidi Montag’s biography before she was even born. #Frankenstien

*muttered from inside a bear* “Go hiking,” they said.

What’s the difference between jam and jelly? I can’t jelly my dick down your throat.

Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.