What kind of dog doesn’t do well in hot weather? A faint Bernard!

How do you stop rape? **NSFW** Consent.

I’m not positive, but I think when you say you’re “over” something, YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.

GOD: Go forth, my tiny friends! ANTS: Hooray! ANGEL: Ok next creation … The anteater. ANTS: The what now?

What’s the difference between you and a mallard with a cold? One’s a sick duck and…. ….I can’t remember how it ends, but your mother’s a whore.

I was going to have an edging tournament with some friends… …but nobody came.

My dad keeps throwing erasers at me… My dad keeps throwing erasers at me and I finally snapped, “Why dad!” he replied “the first rubber I used didn’t get rid of my mistake, maybe this one will”

Whosoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble… You have my Word.

The jokes on you Doctor: “I’m sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live.” Patient: “What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!” Doctor: “Nine.”

Opinions are like assholes… Everyone has one, but they all stink.