It’s fun being a philosophy major I get to reflect on why I can’t pay for food

On your way to hell, there will be a 6-year-old pushing a shopping cart one foot behind you.

How does Hitler tie his shoes? In little Nazis.

Where do dogs shop for groceries? Wagmans.

I told my Mexican student to turn in his essay He said “I ain’t no snitch!”.

What fruit did Hillary grind up in her juicer? 13 blackberries and 5 apples

How do you know when there is a bassist at your door? He can’t find the key and doesn’t know when to come in.

Whats the difference between a watermelon and a baby? One is fun to smash with a sledgehammer and the other one is a watermelon

Why isn’t there golf in the Paralympics? Because it would be really awkward asking what their handicap was.

This afternoon, I was attacked by a group of gay men. I didn’t know how to escape. I had to beat them off left and right