What is a prostitutes favorite food? Anything but blue waffles.

What do you call Christopher Walken when he is sitting? Christopher Sitten

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough” [5 minutes later] “twice”

Who is fastest girl in the world? Answer: Airtel 4G girl.

[Last supper] Jesus: Same time next week guys? *they all nod* Judas: I’ll book a table for 12 Jesus: you mean 13 Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13

Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword Legolas: And you have my bow Gimli: and my axe Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers

My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls. She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg. Surgery didn’t go well.

Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!

What happened to the tasty noun? Verbatim.

My sister bet me 200 dollars I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti… You should’ve seen the look on her face as I drove pasta!