People who tie their sweaters around their necks look like they were giving somebody a piggyback ride before the person got Raptured.

Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall and sued the construction company for using poor material for building the wall

What do you call 4 condoms? For me, a year’s supply.

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

They call me Metal Gear Because my snake is solid

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

I like my coffee how I like my women… Cold.

why do they throw shit at a pakistani wedding? keeps the flies away from the bride

I’ve got a new aardvark. Would you like to play with him? I don’t really know. I’ve heard it growling it doesn’t sound very friendly. Does it bite? That’s what I want to find out.

Who’s the biggest slut ever? Mrs. Pacman–for 25 cents that bitch swallowed balls till she died.