I just assume everyone on my Christmas list has been naughty. Makes things simpler.

Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.

shoot for the moon, even if u miss u’ll forever be the one peopel point at and whispre “thats the idiot who shot literal bulets at the moon”

How does a Muslim close a door? Islams it!

What do you call a mexican who lost his car. Carlos

I kinda want Hillary to win the US election Just for the sheer irony of her sitting at the desk Monica was under.

Mother: Why did you just swallow the money I gave you? Son: Well you did say it was my lunch money!

If you’re American when you enter the bathroom, and American when you exit the bathroom, what are you while you’re IN the bathroom? European.

Want to know why fish tanks are stupid They don’t even have a military.

Why did the man get sent to jail? Black male