How do you assemble a computer? Bit by bit.

I drop it like it’s an expensive electronic device I’ve recently purchased.

Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE. Dentist: Please just floss more

Police headquarters was broken into last night. All the toilets were stolen. Investigators have nothing to go on.

The shortest distance between two points is always closed due to some bullshit construction that should’ve been finished a year ago.

The problem with feminists… The problem with feminists is that they don’t stop talking and I just want to fuck them.

What do you call a Dr. that shares your medical history with everyone? a HIPAAcrite

You teabag But Chuck Norris potato sacks

The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.

two apples enter a bar… …then I got sued by Apple