If I call you cupcake it’s because I’m probably going to put my vanilla frosting on your forehead

What did Princess Fiona call her husband when she found him in the middle of a gay orgy? Bishrekual

What did the coach say to his star player after he pissed his pants? Hey man urine

I never wanna “touch base” with anyone, I type it in emails to sound business-y.

A Meteorologist’s best subject is small talk. They only talk about the weather.

Music star Kenny Rogers announced his retirement yesterday. In other news, Kenny Rogers is still alive, apparently.

My girl has been eating a lot of Mexican fast food and gaining tons of weight lately, but I’ll never stop loving her She’s my Taco Belle

[showing my 4yo a Slinky] me: look, it’s walking down the stairs kid: what else can it do me: literally nothing

It’s Friday! I’m as happy as a newborn in a topless bar!

Comcast opens an airline. The airplane only goes full speed to certain, partner airports and if the airplane flies further than expected, you’re charged per mile.