[soup kitchen] *homeless man is handed a plate* What the hell is this? -Turkey bacon. *throws tray against wall* I’m hungry! Not desperate!

When 2 Chainz doesn’t want to be recognized he just takes off one chain.

The doctor asked if I was sexual active. I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world… Those who know binary and those who don’t.

What do you call a friendly Mancunian midwife? Ultra sound

Q: Where would an eccentric beverage go if it wanted to watch married couples fight and read high quality humor columns? A: To the Drink Quirks Wed Fight.

How did the Linux admin commit assault? He sudo bashed someone.

So there were a lot of celebrities at the DNC including Alicia Keys and Katy Perry. Hillary was excited because they are on her iPod. Bill was excited because they were on his to-do list.

imagine getting a bj and the person’s hair gets stuck in your chain wallet

“How long have you been chopping wood for?” “I’m not sure, I’ll check the logs”