Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.

“Its not you. Its me.” ~ twins going through a photo album

What’s the difference between Santa and a jew? Santa goes down the chimney, the Jews go up.

What type of wife always knows where her husband is? A widow

Dust bunnies are great pets because they thrive on neglect.

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad!

I like my women like I like my wine. Twelve years old and locked in a cellar.

The quickest way to a woman’s heart is with a scalpel, a bonesaw, a chest spreader, & ten cc’s of nothing to lose.

Q: Do you know about the book about copyright infringement? A: It had legal binding.

Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah