Why do cemeteries have fences? People are just dying to get in.

“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo” -oh, u drive a school bus? “LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”

what currency does the sun use? starbucks

Isn’t it so awkward when you misplace a Rolex? It’s like, do I want to tell people that there’s a free Rolex on the loose? Relatable, right?

Travel Agent: Hello sir! Interested in a vacation? Me: *puts cat on the phone* [20 mins later] Travel Agent: I’ve got you booked for Maui

Why can’t americans play LoL? They can’t guard their towers.

I just totally misunderstood the meaning of ‘Strip Mall’ and could one of you guys send bail money?

I witnessed a murder today… Though it may have just been a flock of jackdaws, I’m not a biologist.

If you ever see on a road where a section of the dotted line is missing – There is no law there.

[job interview] “So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?” Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?