My penis is 4 inches… …but I find most girls don’t like it that wide.

I lost my virginity to a retarded girl I wanted my first night to be special.

Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment? Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle. Me: … Employee: … Me: Or you’ll what?

What did the french chef give his wife on Valentine’s day? A hug and a little quiche.

I can’t wait to see the phrase “He was the longest living member of the Baha Men” in an obituary

Did you hear about the old Italian chef? He pasta way

What runs, but never sprints? Inherited obesity

What does a rock put on when it stinks? Geodorant.

Hey bro do you remember your first blowjob? How did it taste?

Watching my son’s soccer game in the cold and rain cuz I’m a good Mom. From my heated car cuz I’m not a total idiot.