Why couldn’t the stoner simplify his binomials in front of the class? Because a watched pothead never FOILS.

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.

What does a lesbian couple do for fun while they’re having their periods? Fingerpaint!

Me: I’d kill for a body like that Them: well by monitoring your calorie intake and daily exercise you c- Me: yeah I’d rather kill

*wakes up early* *goes for morning jog* *calls wife to pick him up because he’s made a terrible mistake*

I started microfinancing my money to get better savings. It just made a lot of cents to me.

What did the traffic light say to the car? Don’t look at me I’m changing.

What do you call an ant who can’t play the piano ? Discordant !

What’s the hardest part about being a pedophile? Fitting in.

Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life…… unless it gets in his way.